QWERTY: SEGA = Sadistic Elderly Gloating A**h**es

Disclaimer: QWERTY’s opinions are not mine nor the site’s. The psudonym QWERTY is used to protect the innocent.

I’ve been getting my ass handed to me. That is my thesis.

Altered Beast – Only has 5 levels. I never saw anything past the beginning of level 2.

Alien Storm – There is no nice way to talk about Alien Storm.

Bonanza Brothers – Who thought a timer in this game was a good idea?

Comic Zone – I died on page 3.

E-SWAT – I get through the whole level to die 6 times at the boss without getting a shot off.

Ecco the Dolphin – The original art game where you have no idea what you’re doing.

Fatal Labyrinth – A trophy calls getting to level 5 out of 30 an achievement, after my second attempt I see why. Level 4 didn’t have an exit.

Ristar – Jumping on the bad guy doesn’t work, but grabbing and smashing your face into him does?

Shinobi III – This was hard? Oh there’s a level 2.

Sonic 3D Blast – The first indication that a 3D Sonic game doesn’t work.

Sonic the Hedgehog – (This one is embarrassing.) Stage 2 Act 1 -> Game Over.

Sonic Spinball – That first level is just bullshit. This game is bullshit.

Streets of Rage 2 – Game I knew all the secrets to, on normal I can’t get to the end.

Super Thunder Blade – (How great a title is that?) It took me three days to get passed the first level.

After I lose each one of these games I see that blinking Game Over sign. Then it goes black as all my delusions of competence disappear and then SEGA in blue and white appears. Laughing in my face. Then daring me to try again.

I am glad these are only 8 levels long. I am glad it can soon be over. It will not waste my time. It will not suck my life, and yet it does. Over and over I dip my hand into the gaming well of fate and come back burned. I am scorned so I try again to reclaim my honor, my pride.

They call to me. “Look at me I’m short, I wont take long. I’m not sophisticated, I only have three buttons.” Then I wander in all doe-eyed and innocent only to cry later at my abused ass. I have seen the other side. I have seen the lies behind the smirking hedgehog.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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