The Game Critique

(This is the first…thing I got from him. It is reproduced here exactly as written. I have nothing further to say. – The Swain)

Disclaimer: QWERTY’s opinions are not mine nor the site’s. The psudonym QWERTY is used to protect the innocent.

Flower is pretty. There, that’s my obligatory nice thing to say about it.

People tried to explain it to me. I told them to stop. No killing, fine, instead I’m a flower petal; BUT WAIT, no not really. In reality I’m the wind. Wind that apparently has gone off its Ritalin medication and has a bad case of Parkinson’s disease. Right and left apparently don’t apply in this world. The premise of all of this is that you are playing the dream of a flower.

-blink blink-Excuse me Descartes, do plant’s think?

At least it kept giving me pretty things.

Next Noby Noby Boy. So I’m a Life Savors inspired caterpillar, doing stuff for my millions of miles long girlfriend in space that… I… Ah…. Wel…

-Time Passes-

Ok, I have the trophies. I can walk away now. I beat Noby NoBi boY. I’m told I should think of it as a sandbox game. Where’re the guns? Cars? Hookers? Well? Sandbox my ass…which apparently can make centaurs. All of this based upon a syphilitic acid trip.

Was this a good game? I honestly have no idea. Though since I woke up with half eaten lipstick on my mouth next to a garbage can without pants I figured it was at least a good Saturday night. My phone tells me its Thursday. I wish it would stop trying to imitate Dirty Harry, if I need to know the time I’ll open it to colors swirling and then snaps in two, curls back and eats your own ass, puzzle solved. Let the L block land now. (??? -The Swain)

Finally there’s Linger in Shadows. I thought, “How awesome is that title. Holy shit that sounds awesome. And it’s only three bucks.”

This is apparently German. It’s as good excuse as any why I’m trying to spin a concrete flying dog to distract a floating metal squid while time has been frozen. This is after you fly into a cat’s eye to make barrels act like a kaleidoscope, while making a city fall around you.
…

…
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Double-checking blood samples for traces of n0bee no2 BoiY.

-Crickets chirp-

‘And you walk on down the hall, and And he came to a door…and he looked inside Father, Yes son, I want to kill you, Mother…I want to…(And that’s enough of that now – The Swain).

(Since I am hard up for content I figured a weekly thing might be just the thing. When I described what I do here, one guy insisted that he write it. He submitted some posts and having read some of it, I now feel that this was a very bad idea. But I promised so this  will be on a trial basis and will need the following: )

Disclaimer: QWERTY’s opinions are not mine nor of the site’s. The psudonym QWERTY is used to protect the innocent.

(He also insisted that I have this be his debut rather than the post he submitted to me first. Why not? – The Swain)

Step 1: go to college

Step 2: call yourself a game critic, no proof of purchase necessary

Step 3: learn or befriend someone with basic wordpress skills, if you really want to be snazzy don’t use blogspot and splurge the extra 10 bucks on the domain name

Step 4: now play a video game

Step 5: find people who have also played this video game

Step 6: mix and match their opinions into your posts

Step 7: link like crazy

Step 8: come to the realization that you’re a sad and worthless parasite who leaches off the ideas of others you incorrigible, thieving hack

Step 9: troll 4Chan

Step 10: get a real job and forget any trumped up self-importance you think you have

Step 11: alternatively, latch on to someone else’s site, so when it inevitably goes down in flames you don’t get blamed for it and there’s the possibility of free cash

(I wonder if he’s the right man for the job? – The Swain)